MyStory Contribution: Kristen

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From Kristen:

Ever since I was in high school (I’m now 22) I have carried the attitude that I will walk home at night despite my parents telling me too call them for a ride or to ask one of my male friends to walk me home. I believed, and still do, that I had all right to walk alone in my Whitby neighbourhood at whatever hour I chose and that if someone decided to attack me then that was there problem. I felt like a rebel possibly putting my safety on the line for my right to walk where and when I wanted. I did not know in my teens that I was making a large statement with my thinking although many though I was careless and irresponsible. I now live in Toronto and walk where I want when I want, again despite some people thinking I’m out of my mind (“Ahhh its Toronto!”).

I do not discredit the seriousness and pain of any individual’s experiences but I was always told that random attack is just that, random; they just appear to be more frequent because those that are reported are taken up by the media. I learned very young most sexual assaults happen with male’s you trust and that is a whole new type of pain.

I am a survivor of multiple sexual assaults perpetrated by boys I trusted and was having or had, had an intimate relationship with. I reported none of them. I did tell friends but few believed me or understood how serious it was. I had the negative “slut” reputation all throughout high school so it was hard for most in high school to understand how a girl who had sex could suddenly not want sex, especially from someone she was already having sex with.

“He wouldn’t do that,” my girl friend told me when I told her that my boyfriend at the time had, had sex with me while I was blackout drunk. I did not report it because my best friend didn’t support me and I didn’t know how to explain that I didn’t want to have sex with my boyfriend. I didn’t like him but I trusted him. I was 16.

“But you said yes,” was what I kept telling myself the second time I was sexually assaulted. I had stopped having sex with this guy because I wanted to pursue a relationship which he wouldn’t give me. We were hanging out and we wanted to show me his new space in the basement. He closed the door and wouldn’t let me out until we had sex. I quickly had to think and decided I wanted to walk out in one piece so I said yes and imagined I was somewhere else the whole time. I didn’t report it because in the end I had said yes to insure that I got out safely and I strongly believed that wouldn’t be seen. We were friends and I trusted him. I was 17.

“Sarah said yes.” I have mental health issues and at this time I had developed an alternate personality to help me cope with a trauma (not related to sexual assault). This ex boyfriend knew about this personality since he was involved in the trauma and he’s the one that named her Sarah. After him and I broke up about 80% of the time when he would speak to me Sarah would appear. Sarah came out one night and when I came back to myself I found my ex on top of me in his car. I did not report it because I strongly felt that no one would believe I had developed a coping technique that removed me from my mind and body and put in someone else. I loved him and trusted him. I was 17.

I have forgiven the first 2 boys and that was my choice and it was difficult.

I will never say don’t trust men. I will never say hate men. I will never say blame men. I have been in loving, non violent relationships and it’s those relationships that have helped me heal.
I have put those assaults behind me and am preparing for my next biggest battle which is defending my right to be sexual, to love sex and be free from sexual violence. I have tried in vain to do this before but participating in SlutWalk has given me a huge boost in gaining the confidence to be proud of being a Slut and confidence in trying to show people that women should be and are allowed to have sex with multiple people, in and out of partner relationships, and choosing to express sexuality is not bad and not an invitation to violence.

Weeks before I had heard about SlutWalk I was crying to my partner about how I was disgusting for wanting to have sex with him so much. This coupled with recently made degrading comments about me by my now former male friends and my best girl friend telling me that I should stop being so open about sex because it made me look like a slut (which she knew upset me).  I hated myself for having sex, liking sex, and every so often blamed myself for the assaults.

When I saw the advertisement for SlutWalk at my university I said “Excuse me, slut!?” I was furious but read further. “Society teaches don’t get raped rather than don’t rape.” Just reading that one sentence lifted everything off my shoulders. Literally, since reading that I have not blamed myself for my assaults. As I learned more about SlutWalk and then actually participated in SlutWalk Toronto (my first ever protest of any kind) I have stopped beating myself up for having sex and loving sex. I question everyone when they use the word slut and try to spread the word that being sexual (in dress, attitude or behaviour) is not an invitation for sexual violence, that being sexual is beautiful and that women have the RIGHT to be safe from violence at all times.

Why I or Other Women I Know Have Been Called Sluts
Slut=You’re wearing the same dress as me
Slut=You won’t have sex with me
Slut=You will have sex with me
Slut= You’re too sexual
Slut=You openly talk about sex/You are knowledgeable about sex
Slut=You gave your partner oral sex
Slut=You’ve had sex with too many people
Slut=You’re too young to have sex
Slut= I don’t like you/ I’m mad at you
Slut= You’re ugly
Slut= You’re showing too much skin (good or bad)
Slut= You do sexual things I wouldn’t do (ie: bondage)

The definition of “slut” ranges from actually having to do with sex too just being another way too call someone a “loser” that will bring out an anger you wouldn’t get with other mean names. Even when it sounds positive it is mean underneath. For example: knowing about sex should be positive but too many people this knowledge is dirty and “slutty”. This attitude needs to change.